Living Small

I’ve lived much of my life in fear.  Not so much of spiders or snakes, heights or the monster under the bed…..although I do remember a time when I started to realize that the monster wasn’t under the bed but was living in my head.  

The fear that has often caused me to “live small” has been the insidious fear of exposure.  

Early on in my life, I internalized some pretty toxic messages about who I was as a person. Not all the messages I took in were negative or toxic, but a few were and they were powerful. Unwittingly I allowed those negative messages to run free range in my head when it came to my developing sense of self.  

Put succinctly, I felt certain that I was damaged goods.  

Now I didn’t want to be “damaged goods”, and I certainly didn’t want you to know how damaged I was.  So, I started knitting my own costume.  I wanted to be seen as at least adequate, so I tried to make sure my true self stayed hidden.  Try to be funny, try to be charming, try to sound and seem smart and confident.  And at times, I felt like the ruse was working.  

But the fear of exposure never left.  

As a kid, like most kids, I daydreamed a lot.  Many of my daydreams were about the great things I was going to do when I got older.  Sometimes I dreamed about becoming a great athlete, other times a great and famous author or entertainer.  I dreamed big, while I lived small.  Fearful of devastating failure, I backed away, never letting anyone know I had such foolish dreams. 

And I don’t think I’m unique in my experience.  As a matter of fact, I think my tribe is large.  Maybe even ubiquitous.  

I will say this.  Over my life, I have worked intentionally to lay down my knitting needles.  I have sought help through professional therapists, competent spiritual mentors, and accepted that I am worthy of being loved by family and friends. While still guarded at times, and still cautious about creating conflict, today I am more authentic, open and honest than ever in my life.  I’m sure there are parts of my old costume still hanging on, but much of it has fallen away along the way.  For that I am thankful.

We talk about living small in our latest podcast.  Give it a listen and tell us what you think on our Exploracast Facebook page or on Exploracast.com.